Just because you had a close, loving relationship with your parents doesn’t always mean they’ll show up the same way for your kids. It can be surprising—and sometimes painful—when once-attentive parents seem emotionally distant as grandparents. Maybe they rarely call, skip birthdays, or don’t seem to connect with your children the way you’d hoped. And while it’s tempting to chalk it up to aging or being “set in their ways,” the reality is often more layered.
Fortunately, there are ways to navigate the emotional distance without letting it fracture your family’s rhythm. We’ll walk through some of the most effective ones below.
Initiate an Open Conversation About Expectations
Sometimes, grandparents pull back because they’re not sure where they fit in. Opening the door to a candid conversation can help everyone relax. You don’t need a family summit—simply start small and keep it warm. Open communication strengthens intergenerational relationships. Let them know you’re not expecting perfection, just connection.
Inquire About Their Desired Level of Involvement
Not every grandparent dreams of weekly playdates. Some prefer to cheer from the sidelines, and that’s okay. Asking what they want lets you avoid guesswork. You may discover they love sending letters or planning birthday surprises instead. Some clarity goes a long way toward building a vibe that works for everyone. Keep it simple and respectful.
Address Any Underlying Health Concerns They May Have
If Grandpa seems withdrawn or Grandma skips visits, it might not be personal—it could be physical. Many older adults deal with hearing loss or mobility issues and don’t want to feel like a burden. The CDC notes that nearly one in three people over 65 has hearing problems. Empathy might be all it takes.
Suggest Activities Aligned with Their Interests
Trying to get your parents to do what you think is fun rarely works. Instead, meet them where they are. If they love gardening, ask for planting tips, and if they’re a crossword whiz, join in. Shared interests create natural connection points and make the time feel less forced. Plus, it reminds them how much they have to offer.
Encourage Storytelling to Share Family History
Grandparents might not gush over hugs or baby giggles, but wow, do they light up with a good story. Ask about their first job or the house they grew up in. These moments matter—storytelling helps kids build identity and boosts emotional health. You’ll probably end up learning something wild, too.
Facilitate Regular Communication Through Calls or Messages
A quick call or funny text once a week can go a long way, especially when distance or discomfort keeps grandparents quiet. Make it low-pressure and light. Even sharing a meme can spark a connection. Lots of seniors own smartphones now, so don’t underestimate how tech-savvy Grandma might secretly be.
Plan Visits Well in Advance to Accommodate Their Schedules
Surprise visits might sound sweet, but older adults often thrive on routine. Give them a heads-up so they can prepare mentally and physically. Planning ahead shows respect for their time and helps them feel included, not ambushed. Plus, it gives everyone something to look forward to—even if it’s simply lunch and a chat.
Respect Their Autonomy and Personal Boundaries
Some grandparents like more space than others, and that’s okay. You’re not doing anything wrong by giving them room. Forcing closeness can make things weird fast. Think of it as adulting with compassion—no guilt trips allowed. Keeping things comfortable encourages them to engage in their time and on their terms.
Offer Alternative Ways to Connect, Like Video Chats
Video calls aren’t only for long-distance birthdays. They’re a great way to stay in touch without the hassle of travel. Let the kids show off a drawing or play a quick song. Even a five-minute chat makes a difference.
Avoid Criticizing Their Level of Involvement in Front of Children
Kids are sharp, and if they hear you complain about Grandpa’s aloofness, they’ll pick up on that energy quickly. Keep your adult frustrations private. Modeling kindness helps them form their relationships without judgment. You might not be thrilled with the distance, but showing grace teaches kids how to navigate tricky dynamics with heart.
Seek to Understand Their Perspective and Feelings
It’s easy to assume our parents don’t care, but emotional distance can come from grief, anxiety, or past hurt. Ask gentle questions and listen to the answers. You might hear stories you’ve never been told before. When you understand what’s behind the quiet, you can respond with compassion instead of frustration.
Provide Opportunities for Them to Teach Skills or Hobbies
Some grandparents shine when they get to share what they know. Whether it’s fishing, sewing, or fixing things, hands-on moments give them a sense of purpose. Kids love learning from “the pros,” and grandparents get a chance to feel valued. It’s a win-win that builds connection without pressure to be overly sentimental.
Express Appreciation for Any Engagement They Offer
Most people rarely say thank you, but it goes further than they think. Whether they mailed a card or made it to one soccer game this year, let them know it mattered. Gratitude encourages more connection over time.
Be Patient and Allow the Relationship to Develop Naturally
Not every connection clicks on a timeline and should be given room. Life throws things off course, so instead of trying to force a bond, let it unfold. That slower pace might surprise you. Strong relationships can come from small, consistent efforts—not grand gestures or instant results.
Consider Involving Other Supportive Adults as Role Models
If the grandparent relationship stays distant, it’s okay to expand the circle. A beloved neighbor, teacher, or family friend can offer warmth and wisdom too. Children benefit from multiple adult role models. What matters most is that they feel supported and loved, even if that doesn’t always come from the people you expected.